INT. A ROOM IN A CHEAP TRUCKER MOTEL-THE SHADY LANE

DREW ENTERS, CARRYING MIMI OVER THE THRESHOLD. A CLERK THROWS A HANDFUL OF RICE ON THEM THEM.

Congratulations, you two lovebirds!

That was the longest doorway of my entire life.

Listen, idiot. This is the last room they had. If I

hadn't let you to pretend to be married to me, you'd

be sleeping in the snow!

Freezing to death is looking pretty good to me right
now.

THE PHONE RINGS. DREW ANSWERS.

Lewis?! Thank God you found us! Where are

you? How's Amber?

Oh we're fine. We hitched a ride from this guy who

owns a hotel. It's a little rustic, but we're trying to

tough it out.

I'm so glad you're okay. We're snowed in and we

couldn't get a tow truck.

Looks like we're all stuck for the night.

(Looks at Mimi) Yeah. Can I say hi to Amber?

Amber, is he keeping his hands to himself?

Remember to use the moves I showed you if he

gets fresh.

Hello, hello? We lost the connection. Did you hear

glasses tinkling?

(Eyeing the bed) I'm beat. I'm going to bed. Where
are you sleepin'?

Well, obviously we'll have to share the bed.

No way. You're not gonna start fondling me in the

dark.

Believe me, Mimi, I wouldn't do that in broad

daylight. Come on. We'll share the bed and just -

stay on our separate sides.

MIMI

 
Okay, but we have to erect a barricade in the

middle. Men have a tendency to loss control when

they see me in my sexy lingerie.

That's because they're overcome with nausea.

(He looks around)

Here's an extra blanket, I'll hang it from the

ceiling.

Fine. I'm gonna go in the bathroom and take off

my makeup.

Are you done yet?

Okay. I'm coming out, but you have to turn off the

lights!

With pleasure...

 MIMI RUNS OUT OF THE BATHROOM AND JUMPS UNDER THE COVERS BEHIND HER SIDE OF THE BLANKET.
 

DREW ENTERS. ON THE RACK NEXT TO THE SINK IS A TOWEL WITH MIMI'S COMPLETE FACE PRINT ON IT.

So that's what happened to the shroud of Turin...

 INT: THE MOTEL ROOM

DREW ENTERS AND WALKS AROUND TO HIS SIDE OF THE BED. THROUGH THE BLANKET, BACKLIT BY THE
BATHROOM LIGHT, DREW SEES A SILHOUETTE OF MIMI UNDRESSING. IT LOOKS LIKE THE ELEPHANT MAN. DREW REACTS IN TERROR.

 MIMI'S SIDE OF THE BLANKET,  MIMI SEES DREW'S SILHOUETTE. IT LOOKS LIKE A MAN RIDING AN ELEPHANT.
 

 INT. THE MOTEL ROOM.

DREW AND MIMI GET INTO BED, EACH ON THE PROPER SIDE OF THE BLANKET.

Mimi, are you hungry?

For what?!

Food. I've got some donuts in my bag.

Yeah, I am a little - peckish.

DREW STICKS A PACKAGE OF A DOZEN DONUTS THROUGH AN OPENING AT THE SIDE OF THE BLANKET. AFTER A MOMENT, HE BRINGS BACK THE BOX TO REVEAL THAT JUST HALF OF ONE DONUT IS LEFT.

Hey, that's not fair. Give me some of those...

HE PULLS BACK THE BLANKET TO GRAB MORE DONUTS. MIMI HIDES HER FACE.

Don't look at me. I'm not wearing any makeup!

So what?

Nobody's ever seen my face naked!

What's the big deal? Give me some donuts.

Stop staring at me. I'm not an animal. I'm a

woman!

Mimi, calm down. You look fine without your

makeup.

I do?

Yeah, the horror factor really goes down a lot.

Thanks.

MIMI UNCOVERS HER FACE.

Why do you wear so much makeup, anyway?

Maybe it's because I have alot to hide...

You shouldn't feel like that. I think you look better

without it.

Really?

Yeah.

Too bad you can't hide your disgustingness with

anything. Maybe you could try bigger,dorkier

glasses.

Yeah, well, goodnight Mimi.

Goodnight, pig.

Here.

Thanks.

EXT: A MISTY HILLSIDE

CLOSE UP ON LEWIS, WHO IS DRESSED IN 18TH-CENTURY COSTUME. HE IS HOLDING TWO PISTOLS. PULL BACK TO REVEAL DREW AND MR. WICK, ALSO DRESSED IN PERIOD GARB. THEY ARE ABOUT TO HAVE A DUEL. LEWIS SOLEMNLY HANDS EACH OF THEM A PISTOL.

You know the rules. Ten paces. No biting. No

hitting below the belt.

Are you sure you want to do this, Carey?

Yes, I'm sure. To have a woman like her, I would

gladly give my life.

You'll never have her, Carey. She's mine.

THE TWO MEN TAKE THEIR TEN PACES. LEWIS RUNS AWAY IN FEAR WHEN THEY BRANDISH THEIR WEAPONS. JUST AS THEY'RE ABOUT TO TURN AND FIRE, MIMI, DRESSED IN HIDEOUS 18TH CENTURY COSTUME, RUNS BETWEEN THEM.

Stop! Stop! This is madness!

Out of the way, my love. I'll make sure this

barrel-shaped rogue never lays his hands on you

again.

Barrel-shaped?

Oh, Mr. Wick. Please don't hurt him. He didn't

mean to soil my virtue. He couldn't help himself!

That's right. Your beauty is like a fine, dark lager.

It makes me crazy with desire.

I know what you mean.
 
 

(He looks lasciviously at Mimi, who basks in his

attention.)
 

She is a vixen. But you'll only have her over my

dead body!

MR. WICK FIRES. DREW IS HIT.

Yikes. That really hurts.
 

(He falls to the ground)

Oh, no! Drew!
 

(She runs over and cradles his head in her arms)
 

Please don't die! I was only pretending to want

Mr. Wick! It was really you that I loved.

Oh, Mimi. Now I can die a happy man.

THE BLANKET/BARRICADE HAS FALLEN FROM THE CEILING. DREW AND MIMI ARE SLEEPING IN EACH OTHERS' ARMS, MIMI HAS A BIG SMILE. THEY ARE BOTH SNORING LIKE BUZZ SAWS.

INT. MISS UNIVERSE PAGEANT.

DREW IS THE EMCEE, AND HE'S ABOUT TO ANNOUNCE THE WINNER. THE PAPPARAZZI ARE SNAPPING FURIOUSLY. HE OPENS THE ENVELOPE.

And now, the moment we've all been waiting

for...second runner up goes to - Miss USA!

MISS USA COMES OVER TO ACCEPT HER FLOWERS FROM DREW. IT'S MIMI!! DREW RECOILS AS SHE TRIES TO KISS HIS CHEEK.

(A little shaken)
 

And - uh - the first runner up, who will assume the
title of Miss Universe if she should be unable to

fulfill her beauty duties - goes to - Miss Germany!

AAAAGH!!
 

(He tries to continue, but he's very shaken.)
 

And - um - the winner - the next Miss Universe

is...Miss Trinidad and Tobago.